BREAKING THE CYCLE Guest Blog by Lianne Terry

Breaking The Cycle © Lianne Terry 2024*

When I first started studying counselling many years ago, I learned about things like attachment types and inner child work and it quickly became apparent to me that lots of our issues are rooted within childhood, as time has gone on and I’ve worked with more and more clients I’ve become more and more aware of the impact that our families have on us during childhood, I’d go as far as to say that we have all been to some degree messed up by our parents, and that we will all to some degree mess up our children. Not through ill-intention, in fact often through quite the opposite. So, for example, when I was a child, instead of teaching me to sit with any uncomfortable feelings, my Mum distracted me, and so ultimately taught me to distract myself and so when experiencing my first heart-break, I did anything I could not to feel my feelings, leaving them to pop up and hit me in the face when I was least expecting it.

It has become more and more important to me to teach others about healing their childhood wounds and breaking their cycles.

Some examples of how our families can impact on us are as follows:

Attachment patterns: The quality of our early relationships influences how we form and maintain relationships throughout our lives. Secure attachment leads to healthy relationship dynamics and insecure attachment can result in difficulties with trust, intimacy and self-esteem.

Core beliefs: The messages we receive from our families during childhood shape our beliefs about ourselves and the world.

Self-concept: Positive experiences and supportive relationships in childhood can build a strong sense of self-worth, whereas negative experiences can lead to feelings of insecurity, shame or unworthiness.

Emotional regulation: Children learn how to identify, express and manage their emotions based on the response they receive from caregivers, positive reinforcement and validation of emotions can help children learn healthy coping mechanisms, whilst invalidation or neglect leads to difficulties with emotional regulation.

Coping Strategies: The coping mechanisms we develop in childhood to deal with stress, adversity and trauma can persist into adulthood, children may adopt adaptive or maladaptive coping mechanisms based on their early experiences, this can influence how we respond to challenges as adults.

Interpersonal patterns: The dynamics of our families will shape our interpersonal patterns and communication styles. For example, those who grew up in environments characterised by conflict may internalise unhealthy relationship dynamics or adopt defensive communication strategies.

These are just a snapshot of the ways that our childhood experience impacts on us, it provides the foundation for psychological, emotional and social development and the impacts are far reaching.

About two years ago, I decided that I was going to write a book talking about family wounds and looking at how people can start to heal and move towards happiness and empowerment, I decided to split it out into two sections – Understanding yourself and Understanding family influences.

In the section about Understanding yourself I look at Attachment theory, and how the different attachment types impact on us as adults, and how we can start to heal towards a secure attachment type. I look at schema therapy, which visits the core beliefs we hold about ourselves, and how we can start to change the uncomfortable ones, I look at generational issues and love languages and address the impacts they can have, I talk about our inner child and our shadow self and how we can connect with and embrace them.

In the section about Understanding family influences I talk Mothers, Father and Siblings, how they influence us and how we can heal any wounds from this influence, I also look at the impact of different family structures and how we can reduce this impact.

I have created a five-step formula for healing family wounds, which you can find in my workbook, but this formula looks at the five steps to healing:

1. Discovery– Reflecting on your experience in order to determine if you have wounds from childhood. Some signs that you can look out for include: Repetitive behaviour patterns; Emotional triggers; Low self-worth; Difficulty trusting others; Avoidance or denial of emotions; Stress or anxiety; Difficulty setting boundaries; Overachievement or perfectionism; Difficulty expressing yourself and Disconnection from others.

2. Understand – Developing an understanding and compassion for your family wounds involves gaining insight into the root causes of this pain and cultivating empathy for yourself.

3. Expression – Building open and honest communication with those around you, but also with yourself. This can involve setting boundaries, practising active listening and seeking support, but most of all it involves expressing your feelings and emotions – you can do this through verbal communication, journalling, artistic expression or deep breathing and mindfulness.

4. Letting go – An important part of healing involves releasing resentment, anger and negative emotions associated with family wounds. This step involves letting go of grudges, accepting imperfections and embracing your own humanity. The steps to letting go are: Acknowledging your pain; identifying what you can control; setting boundaries; practising forgiveness; cultivating compassion; focussing on self-healing; releasing attachments and seeking support.

5. Re-building– Finally focussing on rebuilding trust, strengthening bonds and fostering positive connections.

Healing from childhood wounds is an ongoing process that requires effort and dedication, by following the steps that I lay out and building a culture of trust, respect and love within your life, you can create a supportive and nurturing environment.

I am a massive believer that through healing our family wounds, we can work towards achieving happiness, healthier relationships, enhancing our self-awareness and embracing self-acceptance.

I am a Psychotherapist who employs Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Person-Centred therapy to aid clients who are struggling to find happiness. As a qualified counsellor I specialise in exploring relationships, family dynamics and the process of healing childhood wounds as well as ADHD and LGBTQIA+ issues.

Having embarked on my own journey to happiness and self-empowerment by addressing past pain, I am intimately familiar with the challenges of coping with anxiety and depression stemming from past wounds. I understand the experience of carrying pain without a clear understanding of its origins and the effort required to unravel and rebuild from it.

Today, I consider myself content and fulfilled, living the life I once envisioned while managing my own private counselling practice. I am fervently dedicated to assisting my clients in discovering joy, healing their emotional wounds and forging ahead to lead happy and successful lives.

My therapeutic approach is characterised by its gentleness and warmth, with a strong emphasis on the therapeutic relationship between counsellor and client. I extend empathy, candour and unwavering positive regard to each of her clients, providing a secure environment for personal growth.

To find out more, my book is available on Amazon today: Breaking the Cycle: Navigating Unintentional Damage and Cultivating Healing eBook : Terry, Lianne: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

Or you can download my free Breaking the Cycle workbook - https://www.lianneterrycounselling.co.uk/resources

Or you can contact me directly at [email protected] or via my website www.lianneterrycounselling.co.uk

*Disclaimer: The reader assumes any and all risk resulting from their use of the information, advice or products on this blog or website. Neither Centre for Couples, Narrative Coaching and Posttraumatic Stress LTD nor the guest blogger Lianne Terry can be held liable for any detriment arising. This blog and any products are offered “as is” in good faith only. Consult a health or other professional for your particular circumstance.